How I Think About Coaching: Advice often begins where listening ends

There are a lot of coaches out there.

Rather than tell you why I'm different, I'd rather tell you how I think about coaching. That feels more honest.

For me, coaching isn't primarily a set of techniques or a particular methodology. It's a way of being with another person.

I believe that good conversations can help us become more grounded, untangle our thinking, and reconnect with what we already know but may have lost sight of. My role isn't to tell you what to do. It's to create the kind of conversation where clarity has room to emerge and you can find your bearings.

Presence

If I had to choose the single most important coaching skill, it would be presence.

By presence, I mean giving someone my full attention—without rushing to solve their problem, without thinking about what I'm going to say next, and without quietly comparing their story to my own.

A few years ago, I was part of a research project at Concordia University that explored what coaches actually do during coaching sessions. I spent months analyzing more than 150 coaching transcripts, looking for patterns in what was most helpful in moving clients forward.

The biggest surprise? It wasn't a particular coaching model or clever questioning technique.

It was the coach's ability to be fully present.

Most of us know what it feels like to be deeply listened to. We also know what it feels like when someone is only half paying attention. Our nervous systems notice the difference long before our minds do.

Research in neuroscience suggests that we help regulate one another through simple things like tone of voice, facial expression, breathing, and attention. When someone is calm and genuinely present with us, it becomes a little easier for us to settle too.

That's one reason I spend time working on my own capacity to be present. The more grounded I am, the more fully I can be with you.

Listening

People sometimes come to coaching hoping someone will tell them what to do. I understand that. Life can be complicated, and sometimes we simply want someone who knows the answer.

But I've found that advice often begins where listening ends.

Before I offer an idea or perspective, I want to understand what you're really wrestling with. Often the issue underneath the issue is where the most meaningful work happens.

That's why I spend far more time listening than talking.

Listening isn't just hearing words. It's listening for what matters to you. It's noticing the emotions behind the story…  It's paying attention to what you're emphasizing, what you're avoiding, what gives you energy, and what seems to drain it.

Sometimes my role is simply to reflect back what I'm hearing. People are often surprised by how much clarity comes from hearing their own thoughts organized and reflected back to them.

A good reflection doesn't tell you what to think. It simply helps you see yourself more clearly.

Good Questions

Good questions slow a coaching conversation down. They invite us to pause, reflect, and become more thoughtful and intentional.

The best questions don't come from a list I memorized. They come from genuine curiosity.

Sometimes one thoughtful question changes the direction of an entire conversation—not because it provides an answer, but because it helps you see the situation from a different angle.

I don't ask questions to lead you where I think you should go. I ask them because I'm genuinely interested in understanding how you're making sense of your world.

Being in Service

For me, coaching means that the conversation belongs to you.

Unlike an ordinary conversation, coaching isn't an exchange of stories where we both take turns talking about our lives. My experiences are sometimes relevant, but they're never the focus.

My job is to understand your experience as fully as I can.

Sometimes that means listening quietly.

Sometimes it means helping you untangle what's going on.

Sometimes it means challenging an assumption or offering another perspective.

Each conversation is different because each person is different. That's why I don't feel attached to one coaching model or framework. Structure can be useful, but I don't want to become so focused on following a process that I stop paying attention to the person sitting in front of me.

Helping You Trust Yourself

I believe people already have many of the answers they're looking for when they come to coaching. We lose sight of them when we're overwhelmed, discouraged, frightened, or simply too close to the situation. My role is to help create the conditions where your own wisdom becomes easier to access.

Sometimes that's through encouragement.

Sometimes it's through reflection.

Sometimes it's through asking a question you've never quite asked yourself before.

When coaches present themselves as experts, I think they can unintentionally create dependency. It becomes easy to think, They know what's best for me. I'll just follow their advice.

I don't want you to leave a coaching conversation thinking, She knows what I should do.

I want you to leave thinking, I know what I need to do.

If that happens, then I've done my job.